Lately I’ve been suicidal, I have people asking me if I have a plan. There’s no plan just the thought. I keep thinking I have failed myself, that I have caused myself to feel this way.
When in reality I didn’t. In reality I didn’t cause the aftermath, I didn’t asked to be raped twice last year. Six months apart from each other. One event I know everything that happened that night, and the other incident little bit of pieces. I was drugged and when I woke up my body told me one thing and my mind told me another, it took me four days to figure things out.
I keep thinking about the what if’s, what if I didn’t invite this person over I wouldn’t be in this mess. People say it will get easier and right now I’m having a hard time believing it. So many flashbacks, waking up from nightmares. Silent screams filling my room, waking up in tears. Wishing this will end, and trying to remind myself that tomorrow is another day to conquer.
Parts of you is thinking of ways to end your life, and there’s still part of you that is trying to hang in, trying to remind you to keep fighting. Stomping the ground and saying no loud as you can in your head just to get the thoughts to stop. You can run into traffic. Oh look at this there’s a bridge you can jump, and part of you is having an inner fight with your thoughts.
It’s not so much dying that I’m trying to end my life. It’s ending the flashbacks, the nightmares, trying to find control in my life.
When you want to give up, that’s when hope whispers and say give it one more try. I know I’m going to conquer this, even if I have to phone the crisis hotline. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. People do care about you and they love you. If no one does I do. It will get better, trust me just give it time. Hang in there, I’m fighting this battle with you.