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Monster

I wrote this almost a year ago. Writing sometimes is a place for me to escape, a safe place where I can write down how I feel when it’s hard to even try to express it.

I still believe in monsters hiding under my bed

I met a guy, he seemed sweet on the outside, but a monster on the inside

He stole something from me, that I’m not able to get back

this monster is paying rent free in my head

he’s in my thoughts, in my dreams, in my flashbacks, wait I mean monster

this monster looks like Sulley from Monsters Inc a big blue monster

you wouldn’t think he would hurt a flea, but my monster did in a way

My monster is a thief, he stole my happiness, he stole my self worth

walking on the streets is a challenge in it’s self

I keep looking at myself as a victim, and not a fighter, a brave warrior

I lost my wings to fly, but one day I’ll gain them back

and these brave wings will be able to fly again

I’ll be able to pickup my sword and fight this monster living in my head

my room is where you stole a piece of me

you left feeling satisfied and I left powerless

myself worth left me, I felt dirty and unclean

guilt and ashamed took over, afraid to tell anyone what happened

I’m left to pickup the broken pieces that you broke

I still blame myself for not fighting back, I’m not alone I still have the lord by my side

I told the police what happened even though I was afraid

I was afraid telling my story, afraid not being heard, afraid of being judged

afraid of being treated differently, I accepted the fact that I’m a victim

but I’m not letting it define me, of who I’am

I might not be okay now, but one day I’ll be

one day I won’t be afraid of a monster living under my bed

cause one day I’ll won’t be afraid anymore

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Ptsd

The other day I saw my counsellor, I told him I have ptsd, and he says it’s a living nightmare. I completely agree with him cause it is. A nightmare that never end, flashbacks, nightmares. The smallest thing can trigger you. Either a smell, a person, a car, advertisement. The list can go on. I have learnt to accept it. It doesn’t define who I am as a person. I’m more then that, im more then what the men saw in me. I used to love to read, write, but right now I can’t and I’m learning to accept it.

I’m a sexual assault survivor, but that doesn’t define me. Not going into detail of my story on this post but I will share my story. I realized about a year ish ago that I want to be a caseworker, right now my mental health is important to me to get back on track and heal. I saw how flaw our system is, and that most survivors feel like they lost their voice. I know I have, that coming forward and reporting it. It did nothing, my case wasn’t strong enough. Walking this journey I felt alone, my emotions go everywhere and at that moment not knowing how to cope. I have good days and I also have bad days. My support system is the best. No words I can describe how thankful I am for each person in my life. They saw me reach rock bottom, gave me advice, been there for me when I needed it the most, and encouraging me along the way.

The things I’ve been through have caused me great pain. Learning to adapt from the challenges in my life and learning to work around it. Learning to be patience, and not trying to rush the healing process. Learning new ways that will help when my anxiety gets high. Learning what foods agree with me and what doesn’t. I’m nauseous 99.99% of the time, making smoothies have been my life lately in the mornings. Learning to find ways to help me cope, especially when the depression gets bad. Some things in life is trial and error. Some might help one person but doesn’t mean it will help the next person.

Life is one day at a time. Making today count cause we only have today. We don’t know what tomorrow holds. We just have today, I’ve been reminding myself that, and trying to make today count. Trying to be a blessing in someone else’s life. Facing the challenges head on, and asking for help when I need it. Life isn’t butterflies and rainbows, if it was we wouldn’t need the lord, or the support in our lives. Going through hardships shows us who truly stands beside us during the storm.

My mental illnesses doesn’t define me who I am. I hope this post helps someone. I just started seeing a counsellor. I have a fire in my soul to keep me going. Life throws me below rock bottom but I whisper to myself “I got this” the nightmare will end one day. This horror movie will stop, where I won’t be afraid of my own shadow.

Actions speaks louder then words

I care a lot about the people in my life. I hate seeing them struggling. I came to realize I can’t control it but I can control, my words and my actions to them. Life throws us hardships, but the people we let in our lives are there to pick us up again. Encouraging us that it will be ok. It might not feel like it but it will. The quote that I love is, “kindness is the language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

I have control over with my words. I can tell them all the negative, hurtful words, or I can choose to be the light. Tell them they are going to make it, that I’m here for them. I’m there every step of the way, walking beside them through whatever life brings there away. I let the lord shine the light on me, and direct my words of love to them.

I have control over my actions. I can show them how much they mean to me. Doing little acts of kindness for them. How can we change the world? One random act of kindness at a time.

Broken

I wish you were still here, but I know your watching over me. These broken pieces makes me, me. When things feel like they are falling apart eventually they will become together.

The one thing in life that no one taught me was how much it would hurt when a love one passes away

Grams I wish you were still here, but I do know your in a better place

It feels like I’m walking in fog

And I can’t see what’s surrounding me

I’m just walking in the unknown

So I’m taking a step at a time in this fog

And seeing where my feet wonder

My heart still aches

I know give myself time is what people say

I wish you were still near by

I wish we could make more memories together

I still remember one of our conversations in the hospital, “my pillow is too high I think I swallowed it” I still remember the good times we had together

I miss taking care of you while you were sick, I know some days you might of thought differently. Some days I was super duper tired and all I wanted was to relax. I know we made our amends

I miss texting you, telling you I’m safe

Or if you needed something from town

Some days are easier then others

Some days I have to remind myself your not hear, so I’ll write you a letter instead, so it’ll feel like I’m having a conversation with you

Somedays words can’t comprehend on what I’m feeling inside

I’m just taking it step at a time and wait until this storm disappears

I’m taking one step at a time

To get though this pain

This heartache keeps lingering on

There’s a black cloud over my head

I still can’t see a way out

I feel trap and there’s no way to escape from it

A grieving heart is broken into two

Part of you is still with me

I wish I could hug you one last time

This girl can’t think of anything else to say

Wait one last thing, I miss you grams

I wish you were still here

Today marks the two year anniversary when my grandma passed away. So I thought to share something I wrote.

I remember driving in the car, I’m in the passenger seat, taking pictures

We drive the back way

Listening to the radio, so I hear my favourite song I turn up the volume

I start to make a joke just to hear you laugh

The summer air and country smell all around us

We try to blame each other who dealt it

Even though we know it’s the renewer

Just being with you is what I cherish the most

I can be a complete goofball without even trying

I love every moment with you the good and the bad

Somethings we didn’t see eye to eye

And sometimes I can be very moody

I miss being with you

I miss aleeshea and grandma day

I’m sorry for having an attitude when you asked me to do something

I miss you being you

I miss our car rides

I miss texting you random things

I quote movies to you and you pretend you understand and carry on the conversation

Writing to you is away I can still talk to you

I wish you could write back

But I guess it’s okay, I still feel close you

Hands

I can still feel your hands imprinting on my bodyI can still smell your strong body spray everywhere I go

I still get triggered during certain scenes on tv

I can hear your voice saying I enjoyed it 

You like my body, while I saw imperfections 

You didn’t care what no meant

My no’s meant nothing to you

They were just a laugh to my face 

You let your friends to use me as your puppet for your puppet show 

It was your amusement 

I was unconscious and you didn’t care

You wanted power over my body 

I’m left to feel like I’m a prisoner and you are free

Are you even guilty at all

You stole my sleep and left me with nightmares

You stole my memory and left me forgetting things 

You left me the trauma and the aftermath 

I’m left with anxiety 

Feeling dirty and unclean

I’m left to put my life back together 

I’m left to explain to people what happened 

I still feel your hands touching my body

I feel them on my back 

I’m trying to forget about you but it’s not working 

I’m tired wait I mean I’m exhausted 

I’m trying to get my life back together 

That you caused me

Fighting the demons 

Lately I’ve been suicidal, I have people asking me if I have a plan. There’s no plan just the thought. I keep thinking I have failed myself, that I have caused myself to feel this way. 
When in reality I didn’t. In reality I didn’t cause the aftermath, I didn’t asked to be raped twice last year. Six months apart from each other. One event I know everything that happened that night, and the other incident little bit of pieces. I was drugged and when I woke up my body told me one thing and my mind told me another, it took me four days to figure things out. 
I keep thinking about the what if’s, what if I didn’t invite this person over I wouldn’t be in this mess. People say it will get easier and right now I’m having a hard time believing it. So many flashbacks, waking up from nightmares. Silent screams filling my room, waking up in tears. Wishing this will end, and trying to remind myself that tomorrow is another day to conquer. 
Parts of you is thinking of ways to end your life, and there’s still part of you that is trying to hang in, trying to remind you to keep fighting. Stomping the ground and saying no loud as you can in your head just to get the thoughts to stop. You can run into traffic. Oh look at this there’s a bridge you can jump, and part of you is having an inner fight with your thoughts. 
It’s not so much dying that I’m trying to end my life. It’s ending the flashbacks, the nightmares, trying to find control in my life. 

When you want to give up, that’s when hope whispers and say give it one more try. I know I’m going to conquer this, even if I have to phone the crisis hotline. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. People do care about you and they love you. If no one does I do. It will get better, trust me just give it time. Hang in there, I’m fighting this battle with you.