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Hands

I can still feel your hands imprinting on my bodyI can still smell your strong body spray everywhere I go

I still get triggered during certain scenes on tv

I can hear your voice saying I enjoyed it 

You like my body, while I saw imperfections 

You didn’t care what no meant

My no’s meant nothing to you

They were just a laugh to my face 

You let your friends to use me as your puppet for your puppet show 

It was your amusement 

I was unconscious and you didn’t care

You wanted power over my body 

I’m left to feel like I’m a prisoner and you are free

Are you even guilty at all

You stole my sleep and left me with nightmares

You stole my memory and left me forgetting things 

You left me the trauma and the aftermath 

I’m left with anxiety 

Feeling dirty and unclean

I’m left to put my life back together 

I’m left to explain to people what happened 

I still feel your hands touching my body

I feel them on my back 

I’m trying to forget about you but it’s not working 

I’m tired wait I mean I’m exhausted 

I’m trying to get my life back together 

That you caused me

Fighting the demons 

Lately I’ve been suicidal, I have people asking me if I have a plan. There’s no plan just the thought. I keep thinking I have failed myself, that I have caused myself to feel this way. 
When in reality I didn’t. In reality I didn’t cause the aftermath, I didn’t asked to be raped twice last year. Six months apart from each other. One event I know everything that happened that night, and the other incident little bit of pieces. I was drugged and when I woke up my body told me one thing and my mind told me another, it took me four days to figure things out. 
I keep thinking about the what if’s, what if I didn’t invite this person over I wouldn’t be in this mess. People say it will get easier and right now I’m having a hard time believing it. So many flashbacks, waking up from nightmares. Silent screams filling my room, waking up in tears. Wishing this will end, and trying to remind myself that tomorrow is another day to conquer. 
Parts of you is thinking of ways to end your life, and there’s still part of you that is trying to hang in, trying to remind you to keep fighting. Stomping the ground and saying no loud as you can in your head just to get the thoughts to stop. You can run into traffic. Oh look at this there’s a bridge you can jump, and part of you is having an inner fight with your thoughts. 
It’s not so much dying that I’m trying to end my life. It’s ending the flashbacks, the nightmares, trying to find control in my life. 

When you want to give up, that’s when hope whispers and say give it one more try. I know I’m going to conquer this, even if I have to phone the crisis hotline. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. People do care about you and they love you. If no one does I do. It will get better, trust me just give it time. Hang in there, I’m fighting this battle with you. 

A girl with a past

I wrote the first line along time ago, it came to me but nothing to go with it. It sat in my notes and one day I decided to go through my notes and the words came to me. 

A girl has tattoos to cover up her scars 

That someone left their mark on her body

They are invisible marks that he left 

He came during the night and stole like a thief, he didn’t have a partner in crime he didn’t need to, he saw an opportunity, someone valuable and scared

He left feeling satisfied, and left her feeling powerless, he didn’t cared that her life has changed, she’s a victim 

She thinks it’s her fault, the enemy is creating lies in her head

All she wants to do is have a normal life not being scared if the attacker is coming back 

She believes in monsters hiding under her bed, she double checks making sure it’s safe, her mind still wonders

She gets flashbacks of the attack

She thinks if she said no loud enough he might of stopped, but it wouldn’t help

He seemed nice, but everyone has a secret to hide, everyone has demons living inside, it’s just up to you to act on them or not, she’s afraid to look in the mirror she sees her flaws, she still sees him looking back at her, she doesn’t see a fighter, she doesn’t see a warrior, but one day she will

She will look in the mirror and see a fighter 

She never give up on the fight

She took the first step telling the police 

Even though she was afraid, she was afraid of being judged, but his mistake 

She took the next step telling someone she closed too, she was still afraid, afraid of being judged, afraid what they will think of her, she was terrified, she was letting fear get to her

She took the next step seeking help, even though she was afraid

She wanted to try and forget that it had happened but her thoughts didn’t let her

He was in her flashbacks, in her dreams

She has dreams where the people that are close to her, they are judging her, they turn against her, but it’s not her fault, 

She keeps holding onto his burned when she doesn’t have to, she lets her fear rules her, she hasn’t seen how much she has overcome, she’s brave and one day though’s brave wings will fly 

She wants to feel in control of her life again, she’s learning to let people in her life, instead of pushing them away

Even though she’s afraid, she’s still making progress, she doesn’t want this one thing define her

It’s just one thing to add to her story 

That she never gave up, she kept fighting

She’s walking in open waters, but the lord is right beside her, loving her in her mess

Hugging her when the waves gets too much, the enemy can try and steal her joy, but somedays she can be dancing in the rain, her problems blew away like, ashes in the wind, she still faces them, but she has people in her life to lean on to, when things gets tough, she walks in a dark tunnel, but is starting to see the shadows, starting to see things in a differently then before, she might not be okay, but one day she will be, one day she will be able to help others going through the same thing she did, she keeps reminding herself everyday it’s not her fault, she didn’t asked for it, consensual is key and in her case she said no, the guy stole her pride, she keeps reminding herself that she is loved, and that she’s not alone in this 

Sometimes you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and what happens is nobody’s fault we have this hope, that everything will turn out fine

we start to see the light, through our tears

we look upon the sky and see a rainbow after all the rain that has poured

we know everything is going to be okay, after our darkest hour

and we’ll wake up in the morning knowing we’ll alright 

we start to see the scars that the beast left behind

but it left us stronger then we were before

our life can be shaken but we can stand ground like an anchor 

cause we know the sun will shine and guide us through the trails of life 

without dark periods we will never be thankful for the good times 

we let the light shine on us

and we start seeing our shadows, shine through the dark tunnel 

A box 

I walked into the police office to pick up my belongings from dispatch. I thought I would be ok and bring the items home with me but I wasn’t. When the lady went through my things and checked it off the list. I remember everything that happened that night. I remember everything that I was wearing even though it was in a brown bag I couldn’t see the item but I still remembered. 
I was sexually assaulted on June 7, 2016. I’m not going to go into every detail of the event at the moment, I thought when I was able to pick up my things that I would be able to burn it, but bringing the box home with me would be a consent reminder that I was raped. I left the box at a thrift store near their door, I walked away from it. Maybe it will be therapeutic for me and saying wait I walked away from it. I walked away from you hurting me, changing my life around. 
The moments before I got my stuff I wasn’t in a good mind set, I was fighting the dark knight. I’m still in that mental mindset but I know I’ll get through this. I’ve been struggling with flashbacks, I feel like I’m a prisoner in my own body and this person set free. You don’t have to worry about anything, you don’t wake up from nightmares, or have flashbacks during the day. The little things can trigger me, it can be a sense of smell, my back. I remind myself that I’m going to be ok even though right now it doesn’t feel like it is. I’m a survivor and I’m going to keep fighting, even if part of me wants to give up. 
This is part of my story and it doesn’t define me who I am. I keep reminding myself that it’s not my fault. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t think a simple hangout and watching a movie would lead to this. I thought about all the odds what could happen but I didn’t think it would. If I could go back to that day and change something. I would say meet in a public place. Be careful when you’re talking to people online, they might seem nice but you never know what their motive is. Just be safe. 

Reason why I should stay

I thought about writing this to help me overcome my depression, and to help others. I keep getting thoughts about ending my life. I thought about giving up this race. The other day I thought about jumping off a bridge that I was walking on. 
I’ve been dealing with trauma, two events that changed my life, and in the middle of that my dog passed away a month before the second event. Yesterday after work I felt hopeless, and I didn’t know what else to do. I hit rock bottom, and I was having suicidal thoughts. I didn’t know what else to do, so I thought to make a list. I had made a list on reasons why I should stay. It’s not a big list, but it was something I needed to do. To remind myself that this storm won’t last forever. If you need to phone the crisis hotline 1800-273-8255, and reach out for help, please do I have phoned, when I reached my breaking point. 
Helping others overcome their trauma 
Watching my nephew grow up 

Sharing my story with others

There’s not much on my list, I couldn’t think of anything else at the moment. Trying to think of anything my mind starts to draw blank. It’s like it doesn’t know ho to process anything. Remember you’re loved, and that you’re not alone in this. There are people in your life that do care for you. With brave wings you will fly. You will get through this. Remember your feelings are valid I keep reminding myself that, I try to talk myself that they are invalid but it’s not true, my thoughts are valid. Remember it’s not your fault for feeling this way. 

Childhood home 

The other day I decided to walk past the house where I used grew up in. It doesn’t look the same anymore. It used to be a small house, that need some fixing. Now it’s a big house, I don’t think it even have a backyard anymore. A house is just a building, but a home is a feeling. 
 Too many memories in that house, I lived there for 22 years of my life. My grandparents couldn’t afford it anymore, they sold their place and they decided to rent, I didn’t know the big picture that we had to until now. My grandma passed away just shortly after we moved. 
Some of the memories of my childhood home are, having chickens, and ducks, running around in the back yard. The rooster crowing first thing in the morning even before it’s light out outside. Watching the grudge with my grandma, hearing a rat chewing on something in the attic and scaring us that we jump out of our seats. 
There’s been good memories but there have been bad memories. My grandpa lost his job, I helped them as much as I could. We played cards every Sunday night, it was our family time together. 
I thought when we move it would created some good memories too, but for me not so much, one of the good memories I had was spending time with my grandma before she passed away. I took care of her while she was home, until she went to the hospital. Having a first Christmas with my nephew. 
A girl that’s afraid of her own bedroom, she’s afraid of monsters living under her bed, at night she sleeps with a night light on. She’s afraid of every little noise that she hears. Her past haunts her, a bedroom is where you’re suppose to feel safe, but a girl doesn’t, she’s terrified. Some days it doesn’t bother her and somedays it does. 
What kind of memories does your home have? 

Self love

It’s important to look after yourself as well as helping your friends and family. Learning to love yourself before you can start loving others. This past year I’ve been learning self care, I didn’t realized how important it is. “The relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have”-Jane Travis 

Some of my self care tips are 

1. learning to stop and ask myself what I need at this moment. 

2. Making myself a cup of tea

3. Journaling 

4. Letting myself cry if I need too 

5. Talking to friends/family 

6. Watching a favourite movie/tv show

7. Making sure I ate something 

8. Drinking water through out the day

9. Doing something that I enjoy doing 

10. Cuddling with my dog
It’s important to ask yourself what you need, when the emotions gets too much or your in a rut. I’ve been asking myself when I start to have a panic attack, or when the depression gets bad. I remind myself that I’m going to be okay and what do I need at this moment, if I just need to sit down for a moment until I can start to breathe again, do I need some fresh air. Sometimes it’s hard in situations so I try and find something that I can do in that moment if I’m at work, just trying to keep myself busy. Be gentle with yourself, and it’s ok to ask for help. Ask yourself if your friend is going through this what advice would I give them. We treat our friends better then ourselves, and we have to learn to treat ourselves the same as we would treat our friends. Learn to love yourself. Write yourself a letter, and give yourself some advice, like you would give your friend. 
Dear self, 

I know you’re going through a hard time right now, but it will get better. I promise to love myself. I will remember my self-worth is not based on what I look like, how much I weigh, how many followers I have, or anything else. That has nothing to do with who I am. I will empower other girls and women. I will be kind, fiercely kind, I will have a sense of humour. I will do my best to not gossip, create drama, or judging others (or myself). I will remember that just because I have a bad day doesn’t, mean I have a bad life. Even on the crappiest days, I will remember this I am enough”- Jennifer pastiloff 

There are people that care about me, I am not alone in my mess even though some days it feels like I am. I am a fighter, and I will get through this. It’s ok to stay in bed on your day off and watch tv. Your thoughts are valid and don’t try to think there not. Learn to be kind to yourself and try not to take things too serious. I love myself, I believe in myself, I support myself in all the decisions that I make in life. Remember tomorrow is another day to conquer, another day to conquer your fears. Remember to be easy on yourself, you’re worthy, you’re loved, you’re strong. 

 From myself