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Sitting under a tree

I sit and ponder under a tree

My thoughts are running through my mind

Digging a stick into the ground

Just anything to feel grounded again

Seeing worms moving around on the ground

I’m sitting still, while my thoughts aren’t

while everything around me is in fast motion

Making phone calls

Sending a text messages

memories and smells surround me

Day and night the monsters come out and play

Flashbacks surrounds my mind

But I try and just burry it deep inside

The thing that happened aren’t real

I whisper to myself

My memories haunt me day to night

Ptsd is a nightmare from day to night

Shame, guilt, embarrass and the whys come to play

I can’t change the clock to turn it back

The memories come out to play

You blow up my phone

But you blame me for your doing

My pleas of no’s meant nothing

Trying to push you off of me meant nothing

You wanted me to say you are mine

My silent scream fills the room

Your smell is on me

I feel dirty and a hot shower won’t do

Social media portrays boys will be boys

But why can’t we teach them to treat us with respect

Break the sexual abuse

Cause that’s not a man that’s a monster

Ruining incident life’s for what

To feel in control in the moment

Feeling satisfied while the other one is not interested or doesn’t have the voice to do so

Why did I trusted you monster

I will never know the why my mosters ruin my life

They just didn’t care, they just wanted my life ruin

He is flaunt free with his life

The justice system sucks

My story gets twisted around

And I’m the one to blame

The victim while my monster is scotch free

They are always with me, but I’m a fighter

I ask the why’s and the why’s start to turn into try me

Another day passes by that I have conquered

One step at a time I remind myself

This storm will pass

My story isn’t over

Just a chapter that is closed

And a new one that just begun

I don’t know what is in store for me

I don’t know what this new beginning means

But what you saw of me is a broken mess

And I’m claiming who I meant to be

To change the system that is flawed and broken

Each victim has a voice and needs to be heard

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Drowning in my thoughts

Drowning deep in the water

My thoughts are drowning me

Holding my breath but I can’t

Memories pushing me deeper

Deeper in the water

Bubbles forming over me

While I grasp for air

Feeling numb from all the pressure

Taking deep breaths like it’s my last

Mental health surrounding me

All I see is flashbacks

Bad memories are surrounding my mind

I can’t except

I can’t find the words to describe how I feel

My mind is racing miles per a second

Numb but barely at all

Wanting it to stop

My voice has no power

They ruined me

I feel dirty and unclean

Feeling unworthy and I deserved it

Feeling like a slut

People remind me it’s not my fault

But my brain says it is

I just want to jump into the freezing water

And drown in the deep water feeling nothing at all

Suicidal but it’s just thoughts

Instructive thoughts and not behaviours

Honestly I can say I’m scared bonkers

Bonkers my mind is going crazy

Some of us are more crazy then others

Feelings and nothing more

Write someone that I’m close to and share them how I view myself, get questioned on why I’m being like this. I can’t chose what happened to me. I feel like I have a sticker on my forehead saying that I was raped. My voice was taken away after I plead for it to stop. I feel like an object a puppet for their puppet show. I don’t have any self worth that left since the first assault. My mind is numb by all the pain that has happened to me. Waiting for the day for the cycle to end. I’m a victim, and nothing more. Just a piece of meat. Don’t question on why I’m writing this I have no clue. My thoughts are dark, flashbacks don’t end. I just want the memories to end. My voice doesn’t have any power, my little voice can’t change the world. If you felt the pain that I’ve been through over 300 times you won’t ask me why I’m acting this way. I loss two children that I never got to hold. Holding on faith that things will get better. My world has been rip apart before, and I almost end it last summer. I’m still standing, maybe broken but standing. I’m not lying on what I’ve been through. Broken, used, ashamed, hurt, guilt, dirty and unclean. You might see me differently but I see that

Drowning

Have you ever almost drowned before 

I have in my thoughts

Where the memories keep peaking up

Anxiety and depression tugs at you in every direction 

Trying to pull you under the waves

You have a few seconds to catch your breath before your back under again 

When your back up from the surface 

Trying to shake off the memories 

So much shame and guilt 

Self blame thinking I’m in the wrong but I’m not 

Thinking i should of known what he wanted 

Feeling like an object, a piece of meat

I’m his puppet for his puppet show

Pretending to be my friend 

But in the end I was just used 

Used for his benefits 

What I have to say means nothing to him 

Stuck with the flashbacks 

One after another 

Triggered by smells, cars, people, commercials 

The list can go on 

Hearing his voice in my head 

Saying I enjoyed it 

But I’m all reality I didn’t 

I know what happened I know the facts 

Monster

I wrote this almost a year ago. Writing sometimes is a place for me to escape, a safe place where I can write down how I feel when it’s hard to even try to express it.

I still believe in monsters hiding under my bed

I met a guy, he seemed sweet on the outside, but a monster on the inside

He stole something from me, that I’m not able to get back

this monster is paying rent free in my head

he’s in my thoughts, in my dreams, in my flashbacks, wait I mean monster

this monster looks like Sulley from Monsters Inc a big blue monster

you wouldn’t think he would hurt a flea, but my monster did in a way

My monster is a thief, he stole my happiness, he stole my self worth

walking on the streets is a challenge in it’s self

I keep looking at myself as a victim, and not a fighter, a brave warrior

I lost my wings to fly, but one day I’ll gain them back

and these brave wings will be able to fly again

I’ll be able to pickup my sword and fight this monster living in my head

my room is where you stole a piece of me

you left feeling satisfied and I left powerless

myself worth left me, I felt dirty and unclean

guilt and ashamed took over, afraid to tell anyone what happened

I’m left to pickup the broken pieces that you broke

I still blame myself for not fighting back, I’m not alone I still have the lord by my side

I told the police what happened even though I was afraid

I was afraid telling my story, afraid not being heard, afraid of being judged

afraid of being treated differently, I accepted the fact that I’m a victim

but I’m not letting it define me, of who I’am

I might not be okay now, but one day I’ll be

one day I won’t be afraid of a monster living under my bed

cause one day I’ll won’t be afraid anymore

Ptsd

The other day I saw my counsellor, I told him I have ptsd, and he says it’s a living nightmare. I completely agree with him cause it is. A nightmare that never end, flashbacks, nightmares. The smallest thing can trigger you. Either a smell, a person, a car, advertisement. The list can go on. I have learnt to accept it. It doesn’t define who I am as a person. I’m more then that, im more then what the men saw in me. I used to love to read, write, but right now I can’t and I’m learning to accept it.

I’m a sexual assault survivor, but that doesn’t define me. Not going into detail of my story on this post but I will share my story. I realized about a year ish ago that I want to be a caseworker, right now my mental health is important to me to get back on track and heal. I saw how flaw our system is, and that most survivors feel like they lost their voice. I know I have, that coming forward and reporting it. It did nothing, my case wasn’t strong enough. Walking this journey I felt alone, my emotions go everywhere and at that moment not knowing how to cope. I have good days and I also have bad days. My support system is the best. No words I can describe how thankful I am for each person in my life. They saw me reach rock bottom, gave me advice, been there for me when I needed it the most, and encouraging me along the way.

The things I’ve been through have caused me great pain. Learning to adapt from the challenges in my life and learning to work around it. Learning to be patience, and not trying to rush the healing process. Learning new ways that will help when my anxiety gets high. Learning what foods agree with me and what doesn’t. I’m nauseous 99.99% of the time, making smoothies have been my life lately in the mornings. Learning to find ways to help me cope, especially when the depression gets bad. Some things in life is trial and error. Some might help one person but doesn’t mean it will help the next person.

Life is one day at a time. Making today count cause we only have today. We don’t know what tomorrow holds. We just have today, I’ve been reminding myself that, and trying to make today count. Trying to be a blessing in someone else’s life. Facing the challenges head on, and asking for help when I need it. Life isn’t butterflies and rainbows, if it was we wouldn’t need the lord, or the support in our lives. Going through hardships shows us who truly stands beside us during the storm.

My mental illnesses doesn’t define me who I am. I hope this post helps someone. I just started seeing a counsellor. I have a fire in my soul to keep me going. Life throws me below rock bottom but I whisper to myself “I got this” the nightmare will end one day. This horror movie will stop, where I won’t be afraid of my own shadow.

Actions speaks louder then words

I care a lot about the people in my life. I hate seeing them struggling. I came to realize I can’t control it but I can control, my words and my actions to them. Life throws us hardships, but the people we let in our lives are there to pick us up again. Encouraging us that it will be ok. It might not feel like it but it will. The quote that I love is, “kindness is the language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

I have control over with my words. I can tell them all the negative, hurtful words, or I can choose to be the light. Tell them they are going to make it, that I’m here for them. I’m there every step of the way, walking beside them through whatever life brings there away. I let the lord shine the light on me, and direct my words of love to them.

I have control over my actions. I can show them how much they mean to me. Doing little acts of kindness for them. How can we change the world? One random act of kindness at a time.