Hands

I can still feel your hands imprinting on my bodyI can still smell your strong body spray everywhere I go

I still get triggered during certain scenes on tv

I can hear your voice saying I enjoyed it 

You like my body, while I saw imperfections 

You didn’t care what no meant

My no’s meant nothing to you

They were just a laugh to my face 

You let your friends to use me as your puppet for your puppet show 

It was your amusement 

I was unconscious and you didn’t care

You wanted power over my body 

I’m left to feel like I’m a prisoner and you are free

Are you even guilty at all

You stole my sleep and left me with nightmares

You stole my memory and left me forgetting things 

You left me the trauma and the aftermath 

I’m left with anxiety 

Feeling dirty and unclean

I’m left to put my life back together 

I’m left to explain to people what happened 

I still feel your hands touching my body

I feel them on my back 

I’m trying to forget about you but it’s not working 

I’m tired wait I mean I’m exhausted 

I’m trying to get my life back together 

That you caused me

A box

I walked into the police office to pick up my belongings from dispatch. I thought I would be ok and bring the items home with me but I wasn’t. When the lady went through my things and checked it off the list. I remember everything that happened that night. I remember everything that I was wearing even though it was in a brown bag I couldn’t see the item but I still remembered. 
I was sexually assaulted on June 7, 2016. I’m not going to go into every detail of the event at the moment, I thought when I was able to pick up my things that I would be able to burn it, but bringing the box home with me would be a consent reminder that I was raped. I left the box at a thrift store near their door, I walked away from it. Maybe it will be therapeutic for me and saying wait I walked away from it. I walked away from you hurting me, changing my life around. 
The moments before I got my stuff I wasn’t in a good mind set, I was fighting the dark knight. I’m still in that mental mindset but I know I’ll get through this. I’ve been struggling with flashbacks, I feel like I’m a prisoner in my own body and this person set free. You don’t have to worry about anything, you don’t wake up from nightmares, or have flashbacks during the day. The little things can trigger me, it can be a sense of smell, my back. I remind myself that I’m going to be ok even though right now it doesn’t feel like it is. I’m a survivor and I’m going to keep fighting, even if part of me wants to give up. 
This is part of my story and it doesn’t define me who I am. I keep reminding myself that it’s not my fault. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t think a simple hangout and watching a movie would lead to this. I thought about all the odds what could happen but I didn’t think it would. If I could go back to that day and change something. I would say meet in a public place. Be careful when you’re talking to people online, they might seem nice but you never know what their motive is. Just be safe.